Dear Floss Picks

It should be stated that I am a long time supporter of the fight against gum disease.  I am not a user of floss picks, but I am behind you whole heartedly. I encourage products that ease people towards better oral health. 

However, it may be getting out of hand. 

What I mean is, Floss Picks, you may be making it too easy for people to clean their teeth. 

And here's why: I should never find myself in a situation like the other day when I encountered an individual using you outside. In front of Canadian Tire is no place to clean pits of pastrami from between your bicuspids.  That's gross.

"Never let lunch fester between your Incisors" is a slogan I wish to put on a t-shirt. Can't you picture it? The shirt would feature some big old from teeth with a chunk of romaine the size of Greenland wedged in there, and those words hanging around like the garlic dressing on the breath.  That shirt would be awesome. 

However, I don't want to see anyone doing anything about it. There are restrooms for that. 

Do you know what happens when people floss their teeth? 

Their teeth get clean. Which is awesome, but particles of nastiness go flying all over the place.  Can we keep those particles where they belong: like on the mirror?  When people floss on the sidewalk I might end up stepping in it. Or worse yet, what if a bit of food were to fly into my eye? 

I just threw up in mouth typing that question. 

I love you floss picks, but could you please make it a little less convenient for people to use you in public places? 

An Open Letter to Cucumbers

Dear Cucumbers:

Last night I sliced one of you for the sole purpose of using you as a cracker. It was amazing. You make an amazing delivery platform for cheese. Have you considered marketing yourselves along these lines?

Think about it. Everyone know's that you're great in sandwiches, or with dip, and some even like you plain, or with a bit of fresh ground salt and pepper. But as a substitute for crackers? That is revolutionary.

Why were you not on billboards when everyone was crazy with Atkins fever? A carb free cracker? Some would think no such thing exists. Oh, but they would be wrong. You, my long english friend, make for excellent crackers.

Or were you hoping to keep that a secret?

Regardless, I suggest a marketing campaign with the slogan: "The New Cracker!"

Think about it.

Stay tasty Cucumbers, stay tasty.

Dear P-trap

Dear Sink P-trap:

Thank You!

I cannot say that emphatically enough.

Tonight you saved me from a world of emotional and physical hurt.

Normally I don't think all that highly of you. It's not that I think lowly of you, I simply give you little consideration except to chuckle at your name.

I understand the role you play as gatekeeper. You stand watch over the forgotten points of entry into my house. At night I deadbolt the doors and lock the windows. I never think to secure the pipes. Yet there you are keeping predators from entering my sanctuary. You enable me to sleep deeply, soundly, safely without ever wondering if I'll wake to the smell of sewer gas roaming my halls.

Yes, now and again I hear of water born pathogens such as snakes and alligators entering homes through the pipes, but that's not your fault, perhaps we humans haven't given you all the tools you need. You're a dip in a pipe, how much should we expect?

And so I must apologize for all the times I take you for granted.

Tonight you bailed me out big time. I will be forever grateful, for while I was washing my hands my ring fell off and slipped down the drain.

Now don't go blaming the drain. I know you two are at odds because of such issues. It isn't the drain's fault that the installer never provided the drain with the pop up top. The drain's only half installed so back off!

I take full responsibility for the ring washing away. You see it was a very hot day when Sheena and went ring shopping and my hands were swollen. Now on cold days, such as today, my fingers are so thin that it just pops right off.

And today as I saw my wedding ring disappear into the plumbing abyss, I was so thankful that you where there watching my back. The gatekeeper extraordinaire, standing tall, keeping predators from entering the house, and our most prized possessions from running away.

If it wasn't for you I'd be ring-less tonight.

I will, from this day forward, be singing your praises o mighty P-trap.

Gratefully Yours

Chris Miller