The Costco Crisscross

First off, I know that some people have very mixed feelings about Costco. There are times when I really do not need a gallon of mayonnaise. Actually, I don't think I've ever needed that.

However, we've found that there is no cheaper date than a trip to the mega store. We wander around like we're at a product showcase, try a few "appetizers," enjoy a few moments of entertainment on a giant screen, read some lines of a book to each other, do a fashion show for one another, talk about our hopes and dreams for tomorrow (which may or may not include that giant screen t.v. we were just watching), and race other couples to see who wins the "pick the fastest line" game. Then after we've paid for our take home gifts we enjoy a meal together.

We always have a lovely time.

We may need to get out more.

There's always one potentially socially awkward situation at Costco that I've yet to see addressed.

Every time we shop we venture up and down every isle. You never know what will jump out to you as something you need but forgot about. Or perhaps there is something on sale that wasn't on the coupon sheet. So we travel every isle. We are never the only ones doing this, and there is always at least one couple doing the same thing but traveling counter to us. The result is that every time we round a corner and begin traveling up the next isle they are making their way towards us.

And I never know what to do in those situations.

Do you ignore them? That seems weird to me. How do you pay no attention to the existence of someone you see every couple of minutes?

Here are some suggestions I have for dealing with the Costco Crisscross:

1. Ask if they've sampled the cheesecake. If you're getting tired of looking at this couple and want to get them off your path, ask if they've sampled the cheesecake. Everyone loves cheesecake. At least one half of the couple (the guy) will want to go try it. They then head off looking for free cheesecake and you're on your own.

2. Slip a random item into their cart. Hopefully they won't notice you doing that, and then a few isles later they'll discover it and you'll be there to watch the hilarity ensue. Best if it seems like the type of item the guy would love but she would never go for.

3. Introduce yourself ever time you pass. You know they'll begin wondering what's wrong with you. And of course they should.

4. Invite them to a race. First one to get their receipt checked at the door wins.

5. Work out a secret handshake. Secret handshakes take time to perfect. This way you can practice it every time you meet.

6. Fake a big fight with your wife on one isle and start making out in the next. This is only to see if you can catch them talking about you at some point when you cross.

7. Take the opportunity to ask tough questions and give them until the next time you meet to answer. I hate it when someone asks me a tough question and I have to answer it right away. I need time to think. This way you're giving them a couple minutes to think about how many children they hope to have one day. Or they can go try and find that cheesecake.

So, what do you do when you keep crossing paths with someone at Costco?

Hide it under a Bushel? No! I'm Gonna let it shine

I had the privilege of preaching Sunday. After several good comments and realising that the message was also one I needed to hear. I thought I might post the text here.

Facing the Fear Factor Part 4:
Hide it under a Bushel? No! I'm gonna let it shine.

I haven't' spoken with many of you about your personal fears.

I don't know if you scare easily.

I like to think that I don't get scared all that easily. Sheena likes to prove me wrong.

We used our basement entrance in our house in Parksville as our main entrance. Our basement was dark, and partially unfinished. It was the type of basement that haunts little kids. I should say that while I am far from being a a little kid, I have a very over active imagination: much like that of a little kid. So the basement freaked me out a little bit. Plus there were spiders.

And our house wasn't in the nicest neighbourhood. It was in one of those neighbourhoods of very mixed land use. Across the road was a dense forest. On one side was a light industrial yard with a shop where you could outfit a bathroom and another where you could buy a New Holland tractor to dig an outhouse if you preferred. Their yard had a floodlight on the parking lot that cast strange shadows on our yard. The floodlight however did very little to protect their property as the bathroom warehouse got broken into one night. On the other side was a neighbour. They were quiet. On the same property as our house was Sheena's dad's shop. There was no activity there at night. Another tenant was on the property, but we'd go days even a week at a time without seeing them. This is all to say that at night there was not a lot of activity in and around our property. It was very quiet. Too quiet. Oh, and there was a house of most questionable ongoings just down the street, kinda across from our one neighbour.




Plus there was often wildlife in the year. Nothing too scary, usually deer or rabbits but that doesn't mean there was only ever deer or rabbits. There could have been bears or cougars in that forest. In my imagination something like this was watching me every time I took the garbage to the curb.

This is, by the way, a hairless bear. Apparently bears in Germany are loosing their hair. (read more about it here.)

Getting back to our creepy basement in our weird house, in a creepy neighbourhood. It was often dark, as one light would never work. it blew through bulbs as fast as I could flick the switch. Sheena loved to hide down there and wait for me to come home.

She got me every time.

And of course, being a guy, I tried to act as if I wasn't scared, and that I only jumped and screamed to make her feel better--like she got me. But she always knew better.

I should say, that it never went well for me when I tried to scare her.

Lately, there are different things scarring me. I've always been one to pay attention to what is happening in our culture and society. This partly because some youth are generally pretty tuned into culture and partly because I hope that knowing what twitter is will help me seem cooler than I really am.

lately I've been having all these thoughts that revolve around wondering what king of society Makiah will grow up in. The more time I spend investigating our current culture, the more freaked out I get. It seems that instead of growing more God centered our culture is becoming less.

Here's what I mean.

Group Magazine is reporting in it's most recent issue that since 1990 "the number of American adults who say they have no connection to any religious group is growing...they now top our at 34 million, or 15% of the U.S. adult population, up from 8.2% in 1990."(1) So in 20 years that's almost doubled.

The article goes on "Ryan Cragun of the University of Tampa, one of the studies co-researchers, says, 'If current trends continue, the likely outcome is that in two decades, the Nones [nones is the name the study gives to those who claim no connection to any religious group] could account for about one-quarter of the U.S. population." (2)

Or maybe you've seen one of those buses with the Atheist ads on them that say: "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

And science doesn't leave room for a creator, it's take evolution or leave the class.

it's nearly impossible to put up Christmas decorations without offending someone.

And have you seen what passes for entertainment lately?

All this is concerning. Perhaps a bit scary.

And I know it scares a lot of Christians.

This morning we're going to look at four common responses that Christians typically take.

In the interest of full disclosure, before you become too attached to one approach, three of them are hard to support from a Biblical perspective.

The four common approaches are the Bubble, the Stand Shout Fight, the Possum, and the "This Little Light of Mine."

First we'll look at the Bubble.

Some people try and support this method scriptural by quoting James 1:27: "Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: ...and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

I don't know about you, but I've found that a great way to avoid being contaminated by something is to avoid contact with it. To avoid mercury poisoning I don't chew on thermometers. To avoid mutation I don't swim in toxic waste dumps. To avoid E. Coli I don't play football with raw chickens...anymore.

So it makes sense then, that to avoid being polluted by the world, a Christian might withdraw from the world and huddle with other Christians and form a community that is Christ centered, full of only Christian Values, where nothing remotely worldly enters.

We call this entering the bubble.

It's a Christian safety net of withdrawal full of only Christian versions of regular or "worldly" things.

And there is a Christian version of just about everything.

And I'm not all that against them.

It's just that the bubble, makes Christians look pretty weird. We've got our own culture and quite often non-Christians look at it and go: "If that's Christianity I'm no so sure I want that."

Besides looking quite odd, Jesus prays for Christians in John 17:15, "My prayer is not that you take them out f the world but that you protect them from the evil one."

So Jesus doesn't want us taken out of the world. I kinda think that Jesus knew that whatever he prayed for God would do, and so He doesn't pray that we would be taken out of the word, but rather that we would be left in it. If Jesus' desire for us is to remain part of the world, why would we try and remove ourselves from it?

Please don't think that I'm anti Christian community. The Bible is pretty clear that Christians need to be in community with other believers to grow strong and healthy and to stand firm in their faith. I'm very much for Christian community. I think that Christian community, not Christian communities, can have an incredible impact on the world around them. Severing connections to the world only alienates Christians from their mission field.

Then there's the Stand Shout Fight Approach

Some Christians respond to an increasingly godless society by taking up some of Paul's words as a banner. They'll be moved by 2 Timothy 1:7 "God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power." Or they'll get really excited with the likening of the world of God with a sword.

Those are powerful images.

I was in Montreal for a week on a missions trip in college. Our first night there a few of us found ourselves walking through the sketchy part of town with tow guides who lived in Montreal. Both were new to faith. One coming out of a life that saw him spend much time in areas like the one were were in. That was his neighbourhood. His life was rough. He was a tough individual but softening. He was in prison when he made a commitment to following Jesus after seeing that God's way was a better way.

The other guide came from a very different background. I don't know if she had ever been to that part of town before. She may not have even known it existed. She was nervous and uncomfortable. And in that moment was reminded that the word of God was a sword. I'll probably never forget the image of a grown woman walking past beggars, and prostitutes, and night club bouncers while swinging her Bible around making swooshing noises and saying: "take that."

I think she was swashbuckling with imaginary pirates.

I don't know what made me more uncomfortable, the neighbourhood with it's rawness and chalk outlines that were some sort of an art project, or this lady drawing a whole lot of attention and stares.

I was beginning to wonder if this most amazing poutine was worth it.

I'm not sure that the Bible is a sword in any realm but he spiritual one. In the world you're just a loonie swinging a book.

I'm so glad she didn't actually try and bop a bouncer on the head. At one point I thought she might.

And she was far from the extreme example. I'm sure we've all seen someone with a bullhorn somewhere. They're shouting at anyone within earshot.

I'll give them some kudos. They're in the world. They're out there trying something, and they're telling others about Jesus. The problem is that no one really seems to be listening.

I've never been really convinced by shouting.

Their response seems to be a bunch of "ism's" anyways. People hear them and it seems only judgemental ism or fundamentalism and it doesn't connect with people.

And when Christians take up the bullhorn and stand shout fight they miss the most important part of 2 Timothy 1:7 "for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, or love and self-discipline."

God gave us a spirit of love.

So where is the love?

Rob Bell in his nooma video Bullhorn has this to say to the Bullhorn guy: "I don't think it's working. All the yelling and the judgment and the condemnation. I don't think it's working. I actually think it's making things worse."

He goes on to say: "that doesn't mean that I have to agree with everybody like I can't have a spine o4r something. I mean, we speak our minds and we take action against things we think are wrong, but we do it with love and with respect because Jesus said to 'love your enemies.' And when we love our enemies something powerful happens doesn't it? Something transforming, something that can't be denied."

I was part of a missions trip to Northern Ireland. As you probably know, Northern Ireland is a place know for it's tension. It's a political tension first and foremost, but religion gets pulled in. After years of two sides standing, shouting and fighting with each other, you now have a landscape with church buildings everywhere. If you go to any high point in any town there will be steeples everywhere you look. However many sit empty and abandoned, while more have a congregation of a dozen or so. When the church becomes synonymous with shouting people stop listening to the message.

Our best opportunities for witnessing, for making a difference in our culture and society, come not when we shout really, really loud, but when we love really, really loud.

And that brings me to the third response some Christians have to our society: they pull a possum.

This is otherwise known as the grand denial.

What I mean is, you look at them and you'd have no idea they were Christians.

Their form of hiding isn't by withdrawing from society, but by so embracing it that you have no idea they love Jesus.

They think they are approaching the world with an incredibly deep love. They love everyone so much that they never bring Jesus up because be can be offensive, or make people uncomfortable. As a result truth never gets discussed.

Or perhaps they are so intimidated by the world that they roll over and play dead. have you ever seen a possum playing possum? I have not, but I know someone who has. It was a high school student back in the youth group in Parksivlle. He was on a mission trip in Mexico when he came across a possum in distress. It should be said that the was no city kid. He one killed and skinned a raccoon. He knew how to handle himself in the outdoors.

So, when he came across a possum doing what possums are known to do, and thinking that the animal was in distress, he put it out of its misery.

Playing dead was not a very effective tactic of that possum.

It's not a very effective tactic for Christians either.

Sharing truth, refusing to fit in can be quiet difficult. Donald Miller in his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years writes: "I read a book a couple years ago by Steven Pressfield called The War of Art. ...He says, resistance, a kind of feeling that comes against you when you point toward a distant horizon, is a sure sign that you are supposed to do the thing in the first place. The harder the resistance, the more important the task must be Pressfield believes." (3)

This may not be true in every circumstance, but when it comes to the challenge of being different in a world that may persecute you, it is certain true.

And so the apostle Paul urges the Church in Rome: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Romans 12:2)

Do

Not

Conform

Loving others is not conforming to culture, it's not hitting others over the head with our Bibles, and it's not avoiding all contact with the world.

It's something else.

We need to stop hiding from the world, running to Christian bubbles, or soap boxes, or the safety of blending in.

Fear can either lead us to have one of those three responses or it can lead us to something else.

I would rather have a positive impact on our society. I would rather seek to make change in the world than to avoid it. I think fear can, and should, cause us to desire something different, not just for ourselves but for everyone.

We need to positively impact our society.

A corrupt society is nothing new. In case you thought the verses where Jesus tells us to go into the world and be salt and light only applied to a day and age free of the problems of today you need to know that depravity had been around since Genesis. Jesus said in John 3:19, "Men loved darkness because their deeds are evil."

And so we've been called to do something about it.

The "This Little Light of Mine" Approach.

Mathew 5:14-16, "You are the light of the world. a city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

Don't let fear keep you from living your calling to be light. Don't be afraid to shine.

In Ephesians 5 Paul is instructing the church in Ephesus, and all Christians for that matter, in how they should live. They give insight into how one lives as the light of the world.

[In the interest of space the passage from Ephesians 5 will not be reprinted. Simply the reference before each comment that was made about the verse.]

In this passage Paul gives 19 ways to be light in just 21 verses.

5:1-2 -- Love Sacrificially -- This is the example of Jesus who, out of love, gave up his life for us. What can we do that loves others regardless of what it might cost us?
5:3 -- Remain pure. Light shows the impurity: it exposes. There is nothing impure in light.
5:4 -- Watch your language, words can build up or destroy. What's coming out of your mouth?
-- Be thankful.
5:5-6 -- Show discernment to avoid deception
5:7 -- Don't partner with the disobedient or the unbeliever
5:8 -- Be a light in the dark world
5:9 -- demonstrate goodness
-- demonstrate righteousness
-- demonstrate truth in a world that says "there is no truth"
5:10 -- Find out what pleases the Lord. God isn't angry he's loving. He is pleased with those who love him.
5:11 -- Expose the deeds of darkness. That what light does: it reveals, it exposes. Expose the darkness.
5:12-15 -- seek wisdom
5:16-17 -- There's foolishness then there's understanding what the Lord's will is. Seek to find out what the Lord's will is.
5:18 -- This is a bit of a different one, because God provides his Spirit. However, we can fill ourselves with the things of the Spirit. We can partake in activities that drown the Spirit out, or we can partake in activities that enable us to live with a deeper connection and awareness of the Spirit.
5:19 -- Sing publicly together, sing psalms, sing hymns, sing spiritual songs
-- Sing privately to the Lord. You don't have to wait until you're with other believers to praise God.
5:20 -- Always give thanks to God
5:21 -- Submit to one another. Be humble. Don't try and puff yourself up.

These are ways we can live as light in the world.

We can't light the world if we're detached from it. We can't light the world if we're shouting at it. We can't light the world if we never turn the light on.

Our charge is to shine a light. Some shine a candle, others become a flame. I'd like to begin wrapping things up with a quote from a book that I read recently called Becoming the Answers To Our Prayers.

"Christians blaze through this dark world and set it on fire with their love. It is contagious and spreads like wildfire. We are people who shine, who burn up the darkness of this old world with the Light that dwells within us. Maybe when we're dead and gone, people will look around and ask, "What int he world passed through here?"

"We are not just called to be candles. ... We are called to be fire.

"And when we say fire, we mean the kind of fire that purifies and cleanses, not the kind of fire that destroys. This is the gentle fire that the Scriptures speak of--the fire that melts away the impurities of precious metals. The fire that burns away the chaff and dead branches so that we may be more fully alive, as people and as a planet. The fire that consumes bushes and sinners without destroying them.

"Candles can be snuffed out by the slightest of wind or the smallest child on his or her birthday. But fire burns together. As we grow in spiritual wisdom, learning the dynamics of payer, we are consumed more and more by the One who burns with love for the whole creation. We are to be fire, to weave our lives together so the Spirit's inferno of love spreads across the earth." (4)

What is your response to the fear?

What kind of light are you shining?

I'd like to end with some encouragement coming out of our high school It's an encouragement because it reminded me that God is working in this world. It encouraged me to continue dshining my lifht. I had some students share their thoughts on being Christians in one of the toughest mission fields. One wehre they've gebun a campus ministry and daily seek to be lights on thier campus.

One student shared how he has opportunities to share about his faith as a result of becoming more known as a Chritians through the events of the ministry. Whereas some might think that persucution would follow, he has found quite the opposite: he's been able to engage his classmates with open discussion.

He wrote the following to me in an email:

"What I've noticed most about leadign the ALIVE club and speakig at the Deep End is that pope now know that I'm a Christian, and people have aked me about it multiple times, giving me way more opportunities to witness. I've realized in the past two months that if you actually wxplain your faith to someone, they almost always listen, and even if they don't believ it, they'll respect what you ahve to say. I'm now always prepared to speak to fellow students bout Christ and give my testimony."

If we remain in the wold, avoid shouting, and act alive people will listen to what we ahve to say. Our light will make a positive impact ont eh wrold. Let's be motivated to change the circumstances and not run in fear.

- - -
1. Group Magazine Nov/Dec 2009 vol 36 page 29
2. Ibid
3. Donald Miller A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned Editing My Life, (Nashville, Tn.: Thomas Nelson, 2009) page 115
4. Shane Claiborne and Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove, Becoming The Answer To Our Prayers: Prayer for Ordinary Radicals, (Downer's Grove, Il.: InterVarsity Press, 2008) page 116.

The Survey Says

I like taking surveys. I think that most people don't. It seems to me that I'm told I should not like taking them, that there is something annoying, or intrusive, about surveys and I should not want to part with the information or spend the time required to be part of them.

I doubt most of my answers to surveys are considered in the overall results of the survey. In every set of survey results you usually find that certain responses are discounted. Either the one surveyed falls into a category outside of the parameters, or certain answers reveal something no one wants to hear, or are not helpful. Or the responses are out of this world bizarre.

I amuse myself by giving the most bizarre answers possible, that might still be real answers.

You're welcome, by the way, If you're a telemarketer and you've called me for a survey and got answers that made your day.

If you've ever asked me: "Are you aware of Global Warming?"

And I answered you: "Yes. I'm very aware of the ancient practice of warming glow balls. I did my dissertation on various methods of warming glow balls. Did you know that glow ball warming dates back to ancient Egypt? Hieroglyphics have depicted servants warming glow balls by the fire to illuminate the Pharaoh's nursery."

If you laughed at my absurdity and marked "no" then I accomplished my mission.

It's what I do.

I find it challenging to think on my feet and be creative. It's like improve.

I haven't been called to do a phone survey in quite a while. Maybe they've learned this about me.

Last night Sheena and I were out for dinner. The eatery we attended is a family oriented one. It's full of trinkets everywhere. I don't know if the walls are painted or papered because there are so many posters covering them. Things hang from the ceiling, and almost every colour imaginable is displayed in some manner.

Our daughter was with us. She's been pretty much wide eyed her entire life of six months. Every thing gets starred at. Every shape within reach gets touched. Every colour is studied. Every flashing light catches her attention. I don't know if I've ever seen her blink. I don't know how she manages to sleep, except that the constant learning must be exhausting.

I generally overlook much of my world. It's how I get work done when there are papers and other things all over my desk. I literally cannot tell you every item on my desk. For all I know, there could be a cake under there somewhere. I gloss over all the stuff in my world. I suppose it's because I've already experienced it or something like it. She, my daughter, wants to experience it all. For some reason nothing for her is truly experienced until it enters the mouth.

She tastes, observes, feels, stares at, smells, listens to. She experiences.

Last night she was going nuts. It was so much fun to watch her try and take it all in. She couldn't do it. Her head shot back and forth. Her eyes jumped from one thing to the next. Then she'd realize that I left my glass within her reach, but within a second she was onto something new and the glass was gone. I thought she was going to explode from sensory overload.

She didn't.

Before we left a survey was dropped off at our table.

Oh, how delightful.

One question caught my attention. "What, besides hunger, brought you here?" There are a million ways to answer that. Here are a few options I considered:

-A wardrobe in the professors closet
-my car
-I followed my nose, it always knows
-A desire to test my new heartburn medication
-I hear the water is great
-Wanted to try dining and dashing, and this seemed like a good place to do it
-Ducked in here to avoid being seen by the spy satellite that was about to travel overhead
-I'm great at delegating: it was my night to cook, which makes it your night to cook
-I'm researching the correlation between bottomless fries increasing sales at the Gap

Knowing that Sheena would never go for any of these, I simply suggested: "Tell them it's our anniversary." My thought was, maybe they'll give us free stuff. A&W said we'd get free teen burgers if we went in on our wedding day. Sadly we didn't have time. I regret not getting my free teen burger. That may seem like a sad statement, but really it's not. It was a beautiful wedding, it was fun and I was loving every moment of the day. There literally was so much goodness going on that I could not fit anything more into the day. It's just, how often do you get offered something so completely free? And I was hungry.

I also thought that writing "it's our anniversary" on the survey was good because this wasn't the type of place where people generally go on their anniversary and it might make someone laugh. You might go there if you don't have a lot of money, or if you really want to go out but are not sure about leaving your daughter with a baby sitter for the night because you've never done that before and you're not even really sure who to ask. Because of this not being the type of place you might go on your anniversary, I thought the waitress or a manager, who I hoped would be reading this, would laugh. I'm not wanting to make fun of couples who would go their on their anniversary. It is a perfectly reasonable choice for the above reasons and more.

Or maybe, i thought, we'd end up in a commercial for the restaurant. It could be a beautiful touching scene with a romantically involved couple choosing this establishment, above all others, as the place to celebrate their love by dining on greasy, yet delicious, burgers and milk shakes. Maybe there would be a moment in the commercial where he puts one end of a fry in his mouth and she could begin nibbling on the other. Eventually their lips would touch in the middle. Sparklers could be light behind them because the 8 year old at the table next to them is celebrating a birthday. This couple could be lost in romance in the middle of one of the least romantic places.

That is a touching commercial.

I still think Tim Hortons needs to go with my commercial idea of a couple falling in love over a cruller and a late night conversation inspired by our first date.

We go to all the truly romantic spots, don't we? I'm thinking of the pick-n-pull auto parts salvage for our her next birthday. Or maybe that little snack stand at Costco. That place is hot.

Also I though Sheena should write that it was our anniversary because it was true.

On the day marking three years of marriage Sheena turned to me and with a simple sentence she demonstrated how much she knows me: "Let's got to Red Robin."

That was, by the way, not my anniversary gift.

She didn't write anything funny on the survey. Without considering any of my ideas she figured out they really wanted to know what brought her to Red Robin for the very first time. Apparently she has me to thank for that.

Sheena, you're welcome.

And thank you for three great years, and for allowing me to take you to the most romantic places I can think of, and for laughing at my lame jokes.

By the way Sheena, you are the only one I know who laughs by rolling her eyes.

The Path of Least Resistance

I've noticed that I've spent most of my life avoiding conflict.

I lamely chalk it up to being mostly made of water, and how that takes the path of least resistance.

But as I read through the scriptures I see encouragement over and again to face conflict head on. We're supposed to endure trials, not find a way out.

Maybe least resistance isn't the point. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says that taking it easy is the shortcut to heaven.

And if the easy rout isn't the point of life, I should probably quit looking for it.

I'm sitting here today wondering what impact this has had on my life so far. I'm also hoping to change this course of action. I'm beginning to wonder if God was in each and every difficult situation waiting to see if I'd find him or run away and take the easy way out.

Excellent And Not so Excellent Wedding Traditions

I officiated at my first wedding Sunday.

Weddings are sure full of traditions aren't they?

Rarely do you see a truly tradition free ceremony.

Since I'm unaware of your favourite wedding traditions I'll offer us some of my favourites and least favourite wedding traditions.

I like the bouquet toss. Something about seeing the most proper lady fighting tooth and nail for flowers that'll be dead in the morning puts a smile on my face.

I love cake. I'm sorry, but if I was at a cake less wedding, it would go down in my books as worse wedding every. You don't' even have to serve good cake--there just has to be cake.

I don't like the Bride's family intimidating the groom. Now both my sisters are married. I'm all for making sure their husbands know they're being watched. They should be ridiculously scared of hurting their wife. However, why would you want 100 witnesses to your intimidation. Wait until the next family mean and show them your collection of knives. Or casually mention your sweet skills, whatever they may be. If you do it in an intimidating way, even typing 65 words per minute can be threatening. If you can type that fast what else can you do quickly?

I love ugly bridesmaid dresses. If the wedding is boring, or the pastor is talking too much you can at least be entertained by the anxiety on faces of the bride's maids. You know they're thinking, "I can't believe I paid this much money to look this bad!" Plus you can have fun with those seated near you as you try and guess how much those ugly frocks cost.

I love creativity, but Dislike cliche. I'm sure there have been billions of weddings over the years, and doing something creative becomes a challenge. However, nothing gets me cringing quicker than hearing someone say, "Let's read from 1 Corinthians." It's a beautiful passage. I understand by it's read so often. Chances are if you go to 20 christian weddings in your lifetime, you'll hear it read between 19 and 23 times. How about a message from Zephaniah, or Acts, or Jude, or Numbers. That would be original, and the talked about wedding for a long time.

I can't stand the guarder toss. I'm sorry if that's your favourite part. Actually, I lied. I'm not sorry. It's just that the guarder toss so often turns a beautiful wedding into a sleaze fest. When has the guarder ever been removed in a classy manner? And what, you want a bunch of greasy hormonal guys fighting over a piece of your wife's underwear? I don't. So I was quite glad when my wife let us skip that tradition.

I have mixed feelings about about drunk toasts. You know what I'm talking about. There's usually an uncle who takes advantage of the open bar and the open mic. Then after he's had a bit too much to drink he gets up there and spills the beans. I know that I'm not supposed to be favourable towards drunkenness, but when it provides levity and humor it's hard to be opposed. However, things sadly go too far and feelings are hurt, families are divided, and the wedding is memorable for all the wrong reasons. Sadly the combination of open mics and open bars sour the wedding for too many.

I love honesty. I don't know if this is a tradition. I hope honesty would be present at all weddings, but I suppose it isn't always. Possibly the best wedding moments come when someone says what everyone is thinking but no one has the courage to say.

Not a fan of sloppy "first" kisses. I get it that the couple are filled with passion for each other. I hope that lasts. I just don't want to see them go overboard before everyone when the officiant say: "you may kiss your bride." Yes you may kiss her, that means different things in different cultures. However, in our society the does not mean swallow her whole, or slobber all over her. I especially do not want to see that when I'm 18 inches away. And especially not when it's my sister.

Now that I've seen the wedding traditions from the minister's perspective I have new appreciation for one in particular.

I love that moment when everyone turns to see the bride coming down the isle. This is mostly for selfish reasons. That moment provides a great opportunity to check your fly without getting caught. You want the attention to be on the couple. You don't want people wondering why you're at "half mast." So it's good to check. At that moment when the Bride comes down the isle, her eyes are on the groom. And everyone else's eys are on her. Perfect timing.

Samson on...Revenge

We’ve been learning a lot about life from Samson. Here now are Samson’s thoughts on revenge:

“I merely did to them what they did to Me.” – Samson (Judges 15:11)

That’s right, I did to them what they did to me. That is revenge Samson style. Let me explain to all of you the equivalents.

Foiling Your Scheme By Threatening To Kill Your Wife If She Doesn’t Get The Answer To Your Riddle = Killing 30 Men

Great restraint was shown here. It would have been so easy to kill the 30 men who threatened my wife’s life. I didn’t hurt them. I merely hurt 30 of their countrymen. I didn’t have the money to make good on my promise so I had to resort to this.

Your Wife Being Married Off To Your Best Man After You Storm Out In The Middle Of The Wedding = Sending Out 150 Pairs Of Foxes-On-Fire To Destroy The Crops

I know it doesn’t seem here like I only did to them what they did to me, but let me explain. The anguish of the situation left me not wanting to eat for several days. So I made sure they wouldn’t eat for several months. I had to be thorough, and make sure they couldn’t get a cup of flour from their neighbours.

Burning My Wife And Father-In-Law To Death = Killing As Many Philistines As I Can

It was really hard to tell who did it, so I went after as many as I could. Again, God doesn’t like it when you only half do a job. So, I killed everyone I could get my hands on. To be fair, I should have burned them to death, but I hear that’s really painful and harsh, so I let them off easy with a crushed skull.

Intimidating My Fellow Countrymen Into Handing Me Over To You While I am Camping In A Cave = Killing The 1000 Men Who Did The Intimidating

Dear Philistines: there are two lessons I hope you learn from this. 1. Don’t be intimidating my fellow Israelites. 2. If you come at me with 1000 men I’ll kill you all. If you come after me with 3000 men I’ll go quietly. Oh yeah, there’s a third. I’ll do to you what you did to me.

Gouging Out My Eyes = Killing Everyone In The Temple Who Is Laughing At A Blind Man

This is really a victory of blind people everywhere. I know that not everyone in the temple that day had a hand in gouging out my eyes. I’m pretty sure that only one guy actually did the gouging, but they were all laughing at me. Listen People: it is not entertainment to watch a blind guy try to find his way around a temple.

What They Do To You Must Equal What You Do To Them

Some say that revenge always escalates. I think that is a wrong approach. Because if you ramp it up then they will ramp it up, and it gets ugly real quick. However, if you only do to them what they did to you, things will remain civil. And you’ll be able to sleep at night knowing that you merely did to them what they did to you.

Samson on...Showing Love

Well, I've been in the life of Samson the last couple weeks, and I'm beginning to wish Samson wrote a few books. I can only imagine the advice he would have for leaders, or lovers, or bee keepers. Since he never took the time to write it out I will. Here is Samson's advice on relationships.

Know What You Want, Want What You Know
If you see a woman who's appealing, go after her. Let no one stand in your way. It doesn't matter if you don't know her. You'll have the rest of your life to get to know her. And let no one stand in your way. If people oppose your decision in a woman, be firm as you state the importance she has in your life. In other words: don't let your mom and dad stand in your way.

And don't waste time "playing the field." Go after the first pretty one you see. And don't let her dad try and sell you on her sister. Doesn't matter if the sister is more beautiful. You saw the older one first and you called dibs.

Don't Let Anything Keep You From a Date
Not a lion, not anything. If a Lion attacks you, show it who's boss. It's carcass my produce a snack for later.

Get Your Parents Involved
Two important truths: 1. Parents love to set their kids up 2. Women love men who love their moms. If a woman sees that your parents are involved in setting you up, she'll think that you're in touch with your emotional side. You're not. You're just lazy and want your parents to do the hard work or dealing with future in-law's. But she doesn't need to know that. Let her believe you're emotional and sensitive. Way to score major points.

Win Her Over With Clever Riddles Posed To Her Relatives
If you are concerned that she'll find you simple and dumb, show her how clever you can be by coming up with an awesome riddle. Riddles are intellectually stimulating. What woman doesn't love knowing that her man can be intellectual? This may also be a good chance for you to increase your wardrobe, and impress her with new threads.

Don't Just Get Mad, Get Away
Arguments will happen. It's inevitable. After a fight take off for a while. I mean a long while. Leave in a huff too so that she knows you're really steamed this time. If she thinks you're never coming back then she'll really know how badly she messed up.

Bring Home Gifts
Every woman loves to get gifts. It's a universal love language. Gifts are great to give for all occasions. Give a gift when you've messed up and you want to say "I'm sorry." Give a gift when you're coming home after being out of town for a while. Give a gift to celebrate harvest. Give a gift to say: "Yes, we're still married even thought I took off in a huff after the wedding, and we haven't spoken since, and you and your father thought I thoroughly hated you." Just don't give a gift "just because." That's for sissy's.

The best gifts are practical and cost you nothing. For example, you might want to go fishing for a delicious bass. Or steal a goat. Women love to get goats. They can keep them for milk (the gift that keeps on giving), or they can eat them. Don't give pigs. For some reason that has never worked out for me.

Pet Names Show Love
Pet names can be tricky, but show your woman how much you love her. It's important to use a name that actually could be given to a pet. Heifer, has been a favorite of mine to use. It works like a charm.

A Healthy Relationship Is Full of Secrets
Most people will tell you that you shouldn't keep secrets from the one you love. I take a different approach. The one you love isn't going to love you if they know everything about you. Keep secrets it will keep the love alive. What woman is still going to love you if she knew the only reason you are strong is because you have long hair? She should think you are invincible.

If You Suspect Your Woman Has Agreed To Hand You Over For A Large Sum Of Money, Don't Tell Her The Secret Of Your Strength And Then Fall Asleep On Her Lap
I had to learn this one the hard way. Trust me, you can always get another woman. If you suspect your woman has sold you out for a large sum of money get out of there as fast as you can.