a letter to anyone who might cut my hair

Monday, May 17, 2010
To whomever might be cutting my hair in the future:

Please note that I do not know what I want in a hair cut. When you ask: "What would you like?" My first and only thought is, "something that looks good."

I rarely get that.

All I want is a haircut that makes me look good and I have no idea what words to use to accomplish this task.

I'm looking for someone who can approach my head the way Michaelangelo approached a hunk of marble. I want someone to chisel away whatever is necessary to leave a work of art.

Please only chisel away hair.

I say this because I keep getting weird looks from hair care professionals when I say things like, "I'd like it short but not so short that I look like an army recruit," or "If you turn this into a mullet I will cry and not leave a tip."

And so, if I say some combination of words that lead you to believe I've asked for something that will look horrible, please offer your professional opinion. I will never be offended by the following statement: "In my professional opinion what you just asked for will make you look ridiculous and your wife will be mad at you for weeks for spending money to look like you cut your own hair."

A statement like the one above would have prevented me from the ridicule I still face from an incident in '06.

Also, please stop with the shock and awe at the actual size of my head.

It's large I know.

Over the years I've come to dislike haircuts so I leave it a while between trims. As a result a thickness of mane occurs that disguises the actually size of my dome. While it's quite normal to wonder how much of the globe is hair and how much is actual cranium, please cease the expressions of horror, and pity, and dismay when you discover how little of it is hair.

There are a lot of follicles, you will be there a while.

I'm sorry.

I've come to accept it and I'd appreciate it if you would too.

You might also want to take your rings off before you begin. Should a ring fall off in my hair it will likely be lost forever due to the density of the forest. I lost a GI Joe back in '85 and I've concluded that it was either stolen or lost in my hair during a nap.

And please don't be offended if you see me restyling my hair in the parking lot. I try very hard to make sure you can't see me, but it might happen. I will always say yes to the free gel you offer because I like added value and I'm curious to see what you, a profession, will do with the art you created. I enjoy a finished product. However, having said that, I usually like the way I style it better. I'm not such a fan of the fork-in-the-outlet style you seem to think looks "hip" on me.

I should say that if it looks like anything remotely resembling the fauxhawk, I won't wait for the parking lot.

Sorry if that offends you.

I understand that I leave you with an almost impossible task. You should note that I expect very little when I get my haircut, so while you can't please me, you probably won't disappoint me either. I am always open to suggestions but will probably turn them down due to the fact that I'm chicken.

If anyone is wanting a good challenge I'll probably be ready for another cut in about 8 weeks. Fell free to contact me.


blackhawkover said...

Challenge Accepted. I Will Cut Your Hair and It will wreak of Awesome, but it may not look great.

Chris Miller said...

How awesome are we talking about? I can't do bald. You know that right? It's almost beach season. My bald head lying on the sand will get kicked and batted around. I can't do that again.