Naming Offspring

Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Naming offspring is never easy.

Are we seriously the only species to do it?

I know very little on the subject. In fact, I'm sure I know more don'ts than dos.

Here's one from the other day: Don't discuss baby names late at night. It may very well have been that 11:30pm is the first time the two of you have been able to talk all day but don't make that the time to discuss Jr's moniker. I'm certain that most of the ridiculous names kids are burdened with are dreamed up late at night by brains deprived of sleep and rest.

Earlier, I was on a website, Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing,  that shars tips on what not to name your kids. To check it out go here. Here's a few rules I found on there today written by D: Goodman:

Q: What should I name my kids?

A: I can't give you the perfect name. I'm much better at cursing the darkness, anyway. But here are a few tips I've gleaned from digging around bulletin boards, books, and the tons of e-mails I get from readers:
  • Generally avoid nouns. You're asking for trouble.
  • Do a Google search for your name ideas. If all you get are porn sites, white supremicist groups and pictures of My Little Ponies - it's a bad name.
  • Look at lists of the most popular baby names for the last three years. Steer clear of the top 10, and definitely steer clear of any names that suddenly jump from #150 to #25.
  • No celebrity names. Your kids will immediately hate this celebrity, and be horribly embarassed forever.
  • If you like a common name, but don't like how it's spelled, tough. Either use the usual spelling, or find a new name. Andrywe is NOT a name.
  • Most Americans are assimilated cultural mutts, without much connection to their ancestry. If you want to reconnect with your heritage, go to the library. Do not name your kid Bronwyn and think you are now in touch with your 1/16 Welsh side.
  • A stupid sounding name is still a stupid sounding name even if its meaning is "beloved queen" or something else nice.
  • Do not name your kid with elementary school bullies in mind. If it isn't incredibly obvious (Gaylord, Fartoff), they're going to get that little bit teased like the rest of us were, and there's nothing you can do about it.
  • Try these on for size: "Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I'd like to introduce you to the new CEO of MultiGlobal Corp., [blank blank]" or "Also on the presidential panel is MIT's chief biochemical researcher, Dr. [blank blank].
  • Assuming your child will live to age 70, s/he will spend 16% of their life as a child, 10% of their life as teenagers and 14% as senior citizens. The remaining 60% of their lives they will be adults. Plan accordingly.
I think I'll be taking these to heart.