An Open Letter to Fanny Packs

Dear Fanny Packs:


I have a confession: I've spent my whole life resisting you.

So many people have told me countless times of your lack of coolness and I've believed them. It turns out that the only way I could be any less cool, would be to wear one of you.

But now I need some of you: four to be exact, although six would be nice.

How is it that every lifeguard, and dorky dad on the planet have one of you, yet when i need to buy one I can't find a store that sells you? Is there some secret underground Lifeguard/dorky-dad supply shop?

Do I need a time machine to go back to 1988 when you were everywhere?  I was nine then. Were you the reason it was a simpler time?

I read on Wikipedia that some of you are designed by Louis Vuitton. Is that real, or a Wikipedia editor's idea of a joke? I really don't need a designer fanny pack, but if that's all that is available I'd consider it.

It's true that I have no desire to use you for your intended purpose. I desire to fill you with candy and make students in our youth group wear you for a game we're calling "Human Wrestling Pinatas." Are you hiding from me because of this? I can assure you that no beating devices will be used in the playing of this game.

If you're willing to come out of hiding and tell me where I can find you, it would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Frustrated Youth Worker