3 Tips for Hitchhikers

Monday, June 21, 2010
Okay, I've never been hitchhiking, so I suppose that leaves me under-informed on how to go about getting a ride.

However, and here's the very important thing, I drive almost everywhere and pass hundreds of hitchhikers, or more, in a year and in almost every situation I've got empty seats.

So hitchhikers, as it is approaching hitchhiking season,* and as I noticed a great number of you looking for rides during my family's road trip last week, let me share with you a few tips to help you secure a ride in my vehicle.

1. Ditch the Dog. I like dogs, and my kid likes dogs, but we do not want our vehicle smelling like an unbathed dog for the next few weeks. I get that having a travel companion is great and all, but your companion does not have to be one who slobbers, pees wherever he feels like it, and has travel companions of his own--that's right I'm talking about fleas.

2. Don't Pass Your Time Whittling. I see you there on the side of the road trying to pass the time and keep the tradition of our forefathers alive. But guess what, I don't just see you there fashioning a souvenir  from the road for your mantle, I see you there carving a stabbing device. And what's more, you're holding an implement of death. So what, you're going to have something in each hand with which you could stab me? I don't think so.

3. Don't be Making Out With Your Travelling Companion on the Shoulder of the Highway. It's disgusting. Great, you and your girlfriend are going coast to coast on the cheap. I applaud that. I may even enjoy the story of how you met just a few states back and decided to finish your journey together. But I don't want to be afraid to use my rear view mirror. Keep it cordial and maybe I'll pick you up, but if your public displays of affection are over the top I'm going to pass you by.  Here's a simple, but important, rhyme to remember: No PDA on the highway.

I sincerely hope this advices helps get your thumb noticed.

*I'm not certain hitchhiking season is a thing, but I assume it is because during certain months the amount of hitchhikers I pass on the highway grows incredibly. I don't pass very many in January. So either January is a month when no one passes a thumb, or no one is out there looking for a ride. Whereas in the summer I can hardly drive three blocks without passing someone on the shoulder.