Excellent And Not so Excellent Wedding Traditions

Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I officiated at my first wedding Sunday.

Weddings are sure full of traditions aren't they?

Rarely do you see a truly tradition free ceremony.

Since I'm unaware of your favourite wedding traditions I'll offer us some of my favourites and least favourite wedding traditions.

I like the bouquet toss. Something about seeing the most proper lady fighting tooth and nail for flowers that'll be dead in the morning puts a smile on my face.

I love cake. I'm sorry, but if I was at a cake less wedding, it would go down in my books as worse wedding every. You don't' even have to serve good cake--there just has to be cake.

I don't like the Bride's family intimidating the groom. Now both my sisters are married. I'm all for making sure their husbands know they're being watched. They should be ridiculously scared of hurting their wife. However, why would you want 100 witnesses to your intimidation. Wait until the next family mean and show them your collection of knives. Or casually mention your sweet skills, whatever they may be. If you do it in an intimidating way, even typing 65 words per minute can be threatening. If you can type that fast what else can you do quickly?

I love ugly bridesmaid dresses. If the wedding is boring, or the pastor is talking too much you can at least be entertained by the anxiety on faces of the bride's maids. You know they're thinking, "I can't believe I paid this much money to look this bad!" Plus you can have fun with those seated near you as you try and guess how much those ugly frocks cost.

I love creativity, but Dislike cliche. I'm sure there have been billions of weddings over the years, and doing something creative becomes a challenge. However, nothing gets me cringing quicker than hearing someone say, "Let's read from 1 Corinthians." It's a beautiful passage. I understand by it's read so often. Chances are if you go to 20 christian weddings in your lifetime, you'll hear it read between 19 and 23 times. How about a message from Zephaniah, or Acts, or Jude, or Numbers. That would be original, and the talked about wedding for a long time.

I can't stand the guarder toss. I'm sorry if that's your favourite part. Actually, I lied. I'm not sorry. It's just that the guarder toss so often turns a beautiful wedding into a sleaze fest. When has the guarder ever been removed in a classy manner? And what, you want a bunch of greasy hormonal guys fighting over a piece of your wife's underwear? I don't. So I was quite glad when my wife let us skip that tradition.

I have mixed feelings about about drunk toasts. You know what I'm talking about. There's usually an uncle who takes advantage of the open bar and the open mic. Then after he's had a bit too much to drink he gets up there and spills the beans. I know that I'm not supposed to be favourable towards drunkenness, but when it provides levity and humor it's hard to be opposed. However, things sadly go too far and feelings are hurt, families are divided, and the wedding is memorable for all the wrong reasons. Sadly the combination of open mics and open bars sour the wedding for too many.

I love honesty. I don't know if this is a tradition. I hope honesty would be present at all weddings, but I suppose it isn't always. Possibly the best wedding moments come when someone says what everyone is thinking but no one has the courage to say.

Not a fan of sloppy "first" kisses. I get it that the couple are filled with passion for each other. I hope that lasts. I just don't want to see them go overboard before everyone when the officiant say: "you may kiss your bride." Yes you may kiss her, that means different things in different cultures. However, in our society the does not mean swallow her whole, or slobber all over her. I especially do not want to see that when I'm 18 inches away. And especially not when it's my sister.

Now that I've seen the wedding traditions from the minister's perspective I have new appreciation for one in particular.

I love that moment when everyone turns to see the bride coming down the isle. This is mostly for selfish reasons. That moment provides a great opportunity to check your fly without getting caught. You want the attention to be on the couple. You don't want people wondering why you're at "half mast." So it's good to check. At that moment when the Bride comes down the isle, her eyes are on the groom. And everyone else's eys are on her. Perfect timing.


Corinna said...

you are too funny. know that you provided me with a few giggles this afternoon!