Dear Shirt Maker

Dear Shirt Maker:

I'm sorry.

I saw your shirt, the one pictured here, and I immediately assumed you made a mistake. And then, as I was on the verge of making copious amounts of fun of your error, I thought I should perhaps look into things and I discovered that you, fine shirt maker, are not a failure but are, in fact, far more culturally sensitive to the country of Brazil than I.

I have known for years that the language of Brazil is Portuguese. But I did not know that in Portuguese Brazil is spelled with an "S," and therefore this shirt is far more supportive of all things Brazil than I realized.

And so, dear shirt maker, you have inspired me. I'm feeling compelled that, from this day forth, there is only one right way to spell Brasil.

So thank you shirt maker, for the lesson, the inspiration, and the covering for my hairy chest that I'm certain no one in Rio De Janeiro would ever wear.

Dear Makiah

Dear Makiah:

It's time I made a confession: we were laughing at you the other night when you ran into the couch at full speed while trying to make it to the bathroom.

We fully understand that the delay with the couch made it impossible for you to make it to the toilet on time.

You should know that we are very proud of you.

I hope that one day you will be able to admit how funny the situation was. Sometimes I wonder if you do funny stuff like that on purpose. I recognise this probably wasn't one of those situations.

You should know that we will probably laugh if it ever happens again.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I'm also very sorry for all the horrible outfits I put you in. I'll try and delete all the pictures.

Apology Letters Vol. 3

Dear Smart Cars:

I'm sorry, but the claims made by your title are not impressive enough to lure me into buying one of you.

I mean, they did. There was once a time when I thought you were grand. However, it seems smart just doesn't cut it anymore. My hard earned dollars tend to purchase products that are at the genius level. Take our diapers for example: they're bum genius.

See what they did there? There are smart diapers, sure, but what consumer is going to buy smart when he can have "genius?" I'm sure the bum genius people knew this and so worked hard at becoming the geniuses of the diaper world. Or at least figured no one would question it and called themselves genius anyways.

I appreciate smart, but times are tough, I need to spend more wisely. Perhaps you would entice me to buy you if you worked at picking up your IQ a bit. I might buy a Genius Car.

Which I'm sure puts you in a tough position. There are a lot of intelligent automobiles out there. I hear there's a car that parallel parks itself. That's incredible. Can you do that?

Maybe that's not the point. Maybe that's not what makes a product all that intelligent. Using the diapers I do means fewer diapers in a landfill, and knowing how to produce less garbage makes me feel like a genius. Perhaps if driving you could make me feel like a genius, then it would all work out, but I've got to say, I've never seen a smart car driver that looked all that smart.

But perhaps their brilliance is in figuring out how to fit all their luggage in the trunk.

And perhaps I've misunderstood you, and what makes you smart, all along, and for that I am sorry.

Apology Letters Vol. 2

To those troubled when the words affect and effect are misused:

I was leaving a comment today and couldn't decided whether to use "effect" or "affect." That's when I realized that I have no idea the difference between the two.

I'm sorry to all of you who know the difference and the appropriate usage of affect and effect. I'm sorry for all the times I've used one when I should have used the other. I'm working of ensuring that it won't happen again.

I read an eHow article sorting things out.

It affected me.

I'm smiling right now because of the cleverness of that last paragraph. If the internet is right, effect will never end in "ing" or "ed" because effect is a noun and affect is a verb.

I will continue to work on this, and other grammar issues, but you should know that it will happen again.

And I'll be sorry then too.

Dear Books:

I'm sorry. I judge you by the cover all the time. I know that I was taught not to do that but I am guilty of it.

You see, my book budget is limited. Besides, I have to get rid of one book for every new book procured. If you're going to replace a book that I love, or more realistically thought had a nice cover and purchased only to get a chapter and a half in and be too bored to pick up again, you better impress me right off the bat.

I'm talking first impressions here.

They matter.

I want to see an intriguing and beautiful cover. I want to flip through pages that seem worthy of the couple minutes that my eyes will be beholding them. I want to smell that intoxicatingly wonderful new book smell.

There are millions of books out there. Why should I invest in you?

I'm sorry for all the books that I've overlooked because your publishers didn't impress me. I really am.

And I'm sorry that I've made this apology more about me than you.

Apology Letters Vol. 1

Dear Women Named Christopher:

According to howmanyofme.com, there are 1,601,205 Christopher's in the United States, and only 99.71% of them are guys. I'm not a mathematician but that means there is at least one woman named Christopher. Although, I'm assuming you probably go by Chris, as it is slightly less gender assumptive.

As someone who shares your given name, and finds it somewhat cumbersome, my heartfelt apologies go out to you.

I sincerely hope that one day you will share with us your stories of courage, strength and bravery.


Dear Person Who Rummaged Through My Vehicle:

I'm sorry for the burden I put on you by leaving my van unlocked. I know that had I never left it unlocked you would have never felt the need to go in and have a look around. I apologise for placing that temptation and strain on you.

While I am thankful that you didn't take anything, there are a few burning questions I have for you: What's wrong with my stuff? Did you not find anything in there worthy of being stolen? Is all my stuff garbage to you?

I know you looked at my sunglasses you left them on the seat outside their case. I know that my wife finds them ugly too, but they're really nice sunglasses.

Next time, could you do me the decency of taking something, or don't even bother going in.

Thank You.